We went to Indian Rock Beach today, and had the most splendid time. We pranced in the waves, choked on the water, and made a sand castle. We even found a sea lemon, and a little hermit crab named Wallace. (: Anyhoo, we went over to a friend's house and played cards, had dinner, and watev. My day had been ball kickin' awesome, and my mood touched the sky. On our way back to the condo, Aleja's dad told us stories of people he had seen being treated when he worked in the E.R. The usual grossnasty shit; man with a gerbil in his ass, women with fruit/golf balls/ deodorant in their hrrrmuuhhhrgh. And then he told us about a dead baby they brought in. This child had been put in the microwave, because the mother didn't want it anymore. I was sick to my stomach. She put her own baby in a fucking microwave because she was tired of it.

...Now, something I've never shared with anyone other than my Best friend before. A few months ago when I went to the doctor's to get a prescription for bc, they ran some tests. The results came back with the news that I was incapable of having a child. I am an infertile woman. As a teen, yeah yeah, it seems convenient but I turn 18 in five months, an adult and now I can feel the devastation creeping up on me whenever my partner and I want to have a child. OR, if I just want to have a baby in general, you know? I remember my mother was already in one of the biggest disappointments of her life when she found out. My father was just as upset. Of course, we haven't told the family, and duh. my friends don't know. But this fucking lady killed her baby. Dear God, I hate people sometimes so fucking much. I'm upset. I could have taken care of that child. A million of infertile women could have adopted that baby and given it the love and attention it so deserved as a little human being...

Funny thing: this morning my mother told me about a dream she had where I came back home visibly pregnant. I laughed, but to be honest, was quite upset. Because it will only ever be a dream. Humanity will keep on being unappreciative and selfish and fucking stupid... and millions of people everywhere will go to bed tonight, starving... homeless... sick... and many will go to bed without love from parents, and many will go to bed without babies to love.

so. goodnight, with a picture of me as a mommy.


peace.

Labels: deep shit, florida, personal, rant