As I write this, I put off a letter of interest I have to write today.
I love this blog, even if it has been another three years since I make a post. I have a desire to blog as I continue on in my new life adventures, but I yearn to make aesthetic changes that reflect more the woman I've become, than the teenage girl I was. I lost a certain sparkle in my eye, but I gained a grace which can only be acquired by experience and loss.
However, changing my page would mean erasing a certain nostalgia I get when revisiting this blog. I simply cannot make myself eradicate that feeling, because it brings me so much joy and memories of my high school days. So, I have decided to make a new blog website all together. I've done this in the past, but I want something I can really fill with pages from my life. In person, I've kept a journal on and off since I was 15 years old. I'm almost done with the second journal now, but online writing is so much fun. Having the ability to write down my thoughts on a bright format full of images that relate to my current mood is something that cannot be replicated easily on paper. With that, I go off to create a new simple blog page. (I have some empty urls I might adopt for this).

Here is the new link:

It's been about three years since I've written or published anything on this blog. I have no plans on keeping up with this at all. But it's 7:13 in the morning, I just pulled my first all-nighter in a long long time, and my stomach is sick because I miss someone. I miss my friend Kim. My teacher, my lover, Kim. Upon rediscovering these pages I'm afraid he'll peel back the past and find something he won't like about me. I'm constantly afraid about this, because he's simply too good to be true. And skimming through these posts paints a picture of a stupid girl, who should've opened her eyes to what was in front of her the whole time. Would you like some wine with that cheese, ma'am? But it's true. As cliché as it might be. We rekindled our connection some months ago, and I swear to God, I never thought I'd have anything like this. And I admit. I was afraid. No, not even, I was terrified when he held me that first time, because when he first kissed me on the cheek, my stomach dropped to my knees. And I feared this would be a one time thing, since my feelings for him wanted more than just sex. Of course I didn't know then but I should have, how caring he would be. His patience with me is bottomless. Little did I know how important he would be to me. His calm, soft voice soothing all my troubles, as those big brown eyes I could get lost in, reassure me I can do it. I feel like a child struggling out of a cave. Then he takes my hand, to show me the world. To teach me about nature, or tutor me with a music lesson. And despite all these gooey thoughts, and feelings, at the end of the day Kim is my friend. I tell him almost everything, I would share anything, so comfortable I always feel right at home. I can say, that our wavelengths are about the same, even though he's someone I still admire. We're inseparable, like he's my sidekick, but I look up to him like a hero. And in a way, he is. He's saving me from myself, because he's been motivating me as I slowly kicking away all my bad habits. It's eight in the morning already. The birds are silent, but I know the sun outside is shining. As I imagine another time when the rays bit at our exposed skin, by the slivers of light pouring in from the blinds. And I secretly hope he'll read this, so he can see how lucky I am to have him.

There's something about this weather, and the way it spirals through mood shifts like a lunatic.




Okay hi. Sooooo....... SO MUCH HAS BEEN HAPPENING OMG WTFUQ. And that's a good thing! lol. I've been seeing my friends every night and still being able to preform at work without feeling like complete poopy snacks.

So yeah work has been great. I've been a bit frustrated though because it seems that the more i make the more im having to spend money. >:( especially ever since i got a job my parents have begun to force responsibility on me. I've made around $650 since i started working, yet i somehow have like obly about $300 in the bank. how so? well I've had to pay 

• A vet
• prescription medicine
• groceries
• a vape
• & gas money

Well... the vape was not a necessity, but also kinda was. whatever, so anyway i've been thinking about getting a second job because the money i'm making is supposed to be for college.  
My deam school is Parson new school of Design. How am I goin to get there? with a full year of hardwork to make the money, and then getting my associates degree from The art university of SF.






I also need a new laptop. I wanted a macbook pro.duh. but that's way off my budget for the next couple of years. damnit. 

ANYWAYZ, since I won't be getting educated for a while, I'm going to start teaching myself how to sew. But for now I'm going to bring back a little business i had my freshman year of highschool. I would sharpie designs on blank canvas shoes and sell them for about 40 bucks with a $30 profit. I just got in two orders and will be working on those with paint this time! Only dilemma I have is that I don't know how to label them. My old brand name was KABLAM! CUSTOMS but I need something new und fresh. And cooler. Oh whatever I'll think of something. fuck. I got it... CAKECUSTOMS. oh wow. I am brilliant. hardyhar.

But let's change the subject now shall we? how about onto my social life: oh my god. well. WOW. Lol lemme explain...
Since the school year ended I had been kicking it with a buddy of mine from skewl. We would hangout everyday and shmoke weed, then kick back and listen to awesome music or watch awesome cartoons/scary movies. But when summer started his shift made it supa hard for us to hangout because in the mornings when he was free i was working, and in the evenings when i got off he was just going into work. D: Then I started to hangout with a mutual friend. one of which i have A LOT of history with. And ex of mine. Who has surprisingly turned out to be a much better companion then a bunch of the other kids i knew from school. We would sparingly see each other whenever he wanted to smoke me out or I needed a favor or something, but then he took me on a surprise date after work(which I didn't even realize was a date until AFTER. lol) We packed 2 bowls in Tanner's borrowed waterpipe then walked around his neighborhood and just talked. We then went to wafflehouse and stayed there from like 9 to 11 just drinking coffee and drawing in the weedomicon or however the fuck you spell that, and laughing and gossiping. We then bailed and I went to return Tanner's pipe and get some $$ he owed me then headed to his friends' apartment to smoke some more. His friends were an adorable couple, Ryan and Izzy. The apartment was pretty small and When I entered I saw Izzy laying wrapped in blankets on the couch and Ryan playing a wii game. Izzy was a hot mess and had his long hair all over the place from just waking up. Ryan on the other hand was noticeably more alert and was super well dressed in his blue flannel and with his big gauges. Jack started to set up the hookah and I started to pack this beautiful bong they had. Ryan made us all coffee and man oh man did I get lifted. I didn't even realize when this other man walked in and started smoking with us. When I finally left close to 2am, I left my friend at their house and right as we hugged goodbye outside my car did I realize what had just happened.
Since then we've seen each other everyday. And I've seen other folk everyday too, minus today. My other friend preciously mentioned, Jesse has smoked with us sometimes. Also, every other night someone gets a couple of brewskis for the broskis, or a SHITTON of liquor for ALL THE BROS. Which has made me realized.. I can enjoy just about every type of alcohol on the market straight from the bottle, but vodka is just so hard for me to swallow.
I found that out when I went to a party with Jesse, Jack, Micheal, and Christian, and a bunch of other dudes(total sausage fest. the only other girl there was micheal's gf lols.) and they poured a cup of pure skyy vodka into my stinky gringo cup. After a giant gulp the smell of it hit my face and srunched everything up. lol. Next time I'm bringing some rum or whiskey. Now THOSE are real drinks. muahahahaaa. I have bunch more to write but I think I'll save it for another post. so hasta la vista.



Well let me just start by saying... I can have some weird ass dreams.

Last night My family and I went to Peru. There I met a doctor who was just as bitter and cynical as I am. We began to talk and I told him about someone I loved. When he asked me to describe the love I couldn't, (what a surprise)because like always I was having trouble express my feelings. So I told him: "I would take a bullet for him at a heartbeat. No hesitation."
The doctor seemed to stare off looking outside a window when my dream shifted. Now I was in a clinic with the same doctor and a staff. There was a woman there too who wanted to shoot my loved one for some reason. I got her attention with insults and she turned no me shooting me trying to kill me. I was jumping on the roof, and moving crazy fast desperately trying to avoid her. I realized that the only way to defeat her would be to actually fight her, so I jumped off and landed in front of her. I hit her with an uppercut and she stumbled backwards and shot me straight in the thigh. I punched her face, and grabbed the gun from her. As she threw her hands up in surrender I shot her in the chest.
My dad arrived at the clinic and after the doctor had bandaged me up(but for some reason didn't remove the bullet) they took me away.

I hate crying.
I'd rather curl up in a ball and vomit.
Which is exactly what I feel like doing right now.

Labels: angst, fuck, teenagers suck